Self Deprecating Mood

My mood, tonight, centers around self-deprecation, probably the effects of PMS combined with the fact that school starts tomorrow and I will be going non-stop until 10:30 pm. For some reason, even though that’s the pace I prefer, I am filled with anxiety.

I don't know why I have been left alone. I feel as though I have been punished and I feel as though I just don't deserve the kind of love I shared with Chris.

I keep thinking about the way we met and how unassuming we both were and how naturally our relationship progressed. Neither of us expected to meet and neither of us knew we would fall in love and get married. Everything happened so naturally and since I don’t know how I found love the first time, I don’t know how to meet and fall in love with someone again. I am lonely these days and I want to be close with somebody, but I can’t imagine ever being close to anybody in the same way I was close to Chris. I am so afraid I will never know love again.

I think I made a good choice when I let my Match.com membership run out. I need to refocus my lens and gear my thoughts toward the things in my life which I can control. I want to stop pressuring myself to meet somebody. If I can forget about love for a while, I will feel better, I think.

I did have a date with a forensic psychologist (I know!) Friday night. He’s a very nice man and we had a very nice time. We both decided to see each other again, but unfortunately, people don’t always follow through with their intentions. He’s currently pursuing his Ph.D. in Psychology, so he’s very busy, as am I. He is my last ditch effort with Match and if he doesn’t call me, I’m just going to focus on other things for a while.

Everybody at Russian Christmas had a boyfriend or a husband and I wanted so badly to be sitting there with Chris.

Going to the party was really tough, since I hadn’t ever gone without Chris before. I’m so tired of being tough, going places on my own and having people tell me how brave I am. I’m not brave. I’m tired and I want my husband back. I had to walk to my car alone afterwards and everybody else went home with their partners. All of the men were so funny and nice and sweet and I kept thinking that Chris fit right in with all of them when he was here.

I hate this. This is so unfair. I want him back.Why did he have to die? I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I don’t want to date. I just want to find myself suddenly falling in love the way I did with Chris. I felt like loser sitting there without him.

Carol has a boyfriend and she’s talking about marriage. Robby has his husband. I’m feeling so alone and I’m feeling like I have become the single person I never wanted to be, again. I’m her again and now I have to start from the beginning and I DON’T WANT TO!

He should have been there with me.

I’m not going to try anymore. It’ll happen. It has to.