I had a hard night, last night. I suppose my date once again kicked off my grief.
The date was fine. I feel ambivalent about the man, though. I guess I’ll wait and see if we continue to write of if all of the buildup of writing to each other since March wanes into oblivion. I may find it in me to speak up and tell him I didn’t feel a connection, or maybe, if the opportunity arises, I’ll accept a second date. I hate the stupid future and how I can’t know about it until it becomes the present, dammit.
When I got home, I felt like the task of finding somebody for whom I can feel the level of love I felt for Chris was impossible. I still want somebody to fit into Chris’ mold. I suppose that means I’m still actively grieving and actively coping. I wish I could stop.
The good news is that I feel like I can date again. I may try one of those speed-dating events. I’m pretty social, so talking to many people in a one-on-one situation doesn’t scare me.
I just need to stay focused on all of the other activities in my life. There are many, many, many other activities.
For now, the tape that perpetually plays in my head states the obvious.
I wish Chris didn’t die.
I don’t know how to lose the anger that burns within me.
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Robin, dear! It's Peg (Pungent Blunder!) The computer which my friend gave to me also died, which left me with only the ability of frequenting the local library, which I don't enjoy where one is literally monitored to not go over a one hour slot. I could never enjoy my tea in this kind of setting, dear. I am so happy to be writing to you from another friend's computer at home that will do the trick until I am able to afford a new one. I see a change in your writing and it looks tobe proactive. The grief will always be there and so will you. The question is...Which one will be the victor? We cannot change what we cannot change, as painful as this truth may be, however, there is such a thing as moving on with the richness of the experience in tow behind us. Keep Chris close to you; as close as if he were right there beside you and speak to him very often. This may help you to move ahead and to be unlocked from the heaviness that has plagued you for so long. My significant other has been gone for a while too. We still talk and through those "talks," I go forward. Please do the same for yourself and continue to expand your horizons. I struggle with this computer because it is a dial-up connection. Sometimes Ican come through and sometimes I cannot. I will speak with you at a later time but got through tonight. Good luck, my dear and be strong for you and for Christopher. Everything will be alright. You're such a well-versed girl. All my love to you, dear.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, Pungent (Peg). Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I could use a few words of wisdom of my own.
ReplyDeleteI find that I do the best, in life, when I don't focus on finding love, again.
When I remember that on a minute-by-minute basis, I feel light as a feather.
Thanks. Enjoy your tea.