Here we go, again.

I have begun to panic about this newest dating experience. I knew it would happen eventually, because how can I enter a new relationship without experiencing guilt, anger and sadness over Chris? I dropped half of an Ativan in the spirit of calming the fuck down. I’m going to stay with it...stay with him.

The problem is that I can’t decipher my own secret code. I can’t tell whether I’m panicked because I like him or panicked because I don’t want anybody but Chris in my life. If the latter is true, I could wind up living and dying alone.

Clay’s coming back this week, thank GAWD. I need his support.

I’m going through the motions, but I don’t feel anything more than the beginning of a new friendship. It feels forced. Hell, it is forced. That’s what happens with online dating. Maybe I’m pressuring myself unnecessarily. I don’t have to love him, yet. It’s way too early for love to have formed. If love doesn’t form for me, that’s okay, too. I need to relax, hence the Ativan.

This is difficult, but then, I always knew it would be. He puts his arm around me and all I think about is how Chris hated to walk with his arm around me. I used to take his arm and put it around me just to hear him say, “Hey, you can’t just put me.” When I’m out with him, I wish I was out with Chris. It’s possible that after almost three years, I’m still not ready to date. I don’t know how to get better. Maybe this is as good as I get. Maybe there is no “better”. Maybe there’s no romance and/or love intended in my future.

I hesitate to say that I’m a mess. I am, however, a bit panicked. What if he won’t put up with what losing my husband feels like for me?

Maybe I just need to sleep. Sometimes sleep is all it takes with me.