A Sad Parting of Minds

I said goodbye to Clay, last night, after two and a half years of working with him to combat the after-effects of my tragedy. I brought him a small gift and we talked about my reasons for moving on and about my feelings toward him, in general. I told him I feel like I love him. I do feel like I love him, but I know those feelings aren’t true. Clay knows just about everything there is to know about me and I know next-to-nothing about him, which is the way of the psychotherapy world.

Clay sat in his chair and listened to everything I had to say, providing me with patience and understanding and a simulated friendship I have grown to love and which I already miss tremendously. Without him, I would be lost, navigating the lanes of Devastation Highway with no GPS to guide me along my way.

I cried and told him I didn’t want to leave, but that I have to if I’m going to prevail over the dragon that continues to breathe fire in my direction on a daily basis. I could continue to visit Clay and talk to him week after week, but the truth is that I wish we were friends. I like Clay. He’s a nice man (I think…again, I don’t really know him.). I miss him, already. I had an all-out Clay-meltdown when I arrived home, last night, crying, falling apart and curling up on the couch to cry some more. When I was finished, I felt as though I had completed a rite of passage from the world of asking for help into the world of helping myself.

So I began working with another man, and I think this partnership in mental health is going to be most beneficial to me. We will be working on relaxation techniques and thought and behavior modification, which is really what I need now. I have talked about what happened, ad nauseam, and my work with Clay has been extremely helpful, but now it’s time to begin changing the thoughts and eliminating the painful and intrusive image flashbacks I have been experiencing (PTSD?), and begin to try letting go of the guilt I feel each time I find myself feeling happy.

So my plan is in place. Whether I succeed, or not, is yet to be seen.

Clay said I can come back anytime I want to, and I suppose the notion brings me comfort, but this phase in my life is over and letting go of Clay, in some ways, is going to help me let go of many other things in my life. This year is about saying goodbye; goodbye to a company for which I hated working, goodbye to a city in which I hated living, goodbye to a therapist (and a friend) whom I feel as though I love.

Life is a series of goodbyes.

-Shneed