Fortunate

The inner-workings of the brain (I suppose ALL of the workings of the brain are “inner’) never cease to amaze me. My own nut truly is a puzzle.

I have been dating a man for the past six weeks, or so, and for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to believe in the possibility that I could find love, again, whether with this man, or another. Love feels attainable. I really like this man, though, and he seems to really like me, too.

So, what happened? I fell asleep the other night and dreamed that the two of us were on the bus talking and laughing. Little by little, he began to change, until he got up, moved to the other side of the bus and laid down with his head in another man’s lap. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that his face was perspiring and that his face began to morph into my Chris’ face. His eyes went blank, the way Chris’ did when he died.

Neither Chris nor this man had blue eyes, but the eyes of the man in my dream were bright blue, much brighter than anything else in my dream. My analysis is that the eyes were unfamiliar and unrecognizable.

I remember being in my kitchen with Chris, near the end, and realizing that through his morphine haze (yes, he was up and walking, even then) that day would probably be the last day he would look at me and recognize me, the way he always used to.

Even though I feel very happy about this man I have just met, my brain is acutely aware of my fear of losing anybody else who enters the part of my life where love is concerned.

My fear is valid...at least 50% valid. Unless a couple dies together, one of them will definitely know the pain of losing the other, eventually.

That’s just the cycle of life.

I feel very fortunate that I am willing to go there, again. The alternative is a life spent alone.

Shneed