Gradually Gaining Altitude

I am so many things. I’m full of bliss, relief, grief, happiness, anxiety and disbelief, still, about what happened to Chris. Somebody I knew died. I still have such a hard time believing that he got cancer, got angry, got sad, got weak and got dead. As absurd as it sounds, I think, on some level I still don’t believe it. I never will.

I’m finally going back to Los Angeles. Jonathan has a business trip in San Diego, so I’m flying out to meet him and we’re driving to L.A. together. I’m happy. I love him. He loves me, too. And we continue to get to know each other.

Knowing somebody takes a very long time. After six years together, Chris and I were still getting to know each other. Jonathan and I have been together for seven months. Our love is young. I like it.

Not surprisingly, I’m a bit frozen with regard to my return to L.A. I haven’t been there since Chris and I left and I have never been there without him. None of that matters. I’m buzzing with excitement to be with Jonathan, to sit on the beach with him, dine with him, sleep next to him and love him. The rest is the past. I can’t change it and I’d never want to go backwards.

I once told my therapist that I sometimes wondered what I would do if Chris ever could come back. Would I go to him? Would I stay with Jonathan? She asked me why I was torturing myself with a scenario that will never happen. In doing so, she freed me.

imprisoning myself behind bars of guilt is similar to inserting a pacifier into my mouth. As long as I’m guilty, I was a good wife. As long as guilt courses through my veins, I loved him. I’m getting better about realizing that guilt is a useless waste of energy. I loved my husband. There’s nothing to do after that. That’s the highest compliment. Guilt is a downgrade, a nuissance whose only purpose is to infect goodness with badness.

I’m melting into Jonathan. I feel euphoric in his presence. He’s different from Chris, as I knew he would be, and he is just as wonderful in very different ways. It’s true that there really is no comparing people. What I had is gone and what have now is not gone. I have it. And I grow ever-happier each day I live as Jonathan’s girlfriend. He's my man. :)