Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch...

Another shift has occurred. I know, because my brain has become clouded over in its usual protective manner. I thought I had seen the last of “the fog” four years ago, when it first lifted from the cloak of shock that enveloped and protected me from combusting into a ball of fire from too many emotions felt all at once. I still remember the feeling of reality incrementally entering my psyche, shred by shred. There was no rest. Each time I survived a shred, I instantaneously graduated to the next shred. I don’t think I can ever truly describe what it feels like to have had my terror that Chris might die transformed into reality. For as long as I live, I will never forget the sensation. Even now, when I think back on everything, I begin to exhale, only to remember, with a start, that Chris’ death actually did happen.

My fog of late, although much lighter than in the early days following Chris’ death, is protecting me, not from my experience, but from myself. I am beginning to let go of Chris. I can tell. I looked at a photo of him over the weekend and no longer saw “my husband.” Instead of seeing, I felt a friend, a guiding spirit, a love and a presence I believe is with me for the rest of my days on this planet. He’s here. He’s just not here in the same form in which he was here before.

I’m still afraid to completely release my grip on Chris. I’m afraid he’ll be alone. I know he’s not, but I still feel as though he needs me…or maybe I feel as though I need him. I don’t know. I sometimes feel as though I couldn’t take care of him enough, even though I know, logically, that I did everything I possibly could do for him. He thanked me, too, for always looking out for him.

I like my life with Jonathan, even though I’m really scared of history repeating itself. I wanted to tell him, this weekend, that I had felt a shift in my ability to feel and to let go of Chris, but the words never got past my throat. I’m not yet able to admit to him that I’m beginning to let go. He tells me he’s not interested in replacing Chris, which is the perfect thing to say to me. Jonathan always knows what to say to me.

I didn’t know I would be lucky enough to meet two wonderful men in my life.