Last night, I dreamed that Chris and I had moved into a new apartment in a bad part of town. I was scared. I left to go running and ran about halfway up the street, when I found myself feeling as though I had run into the middle of imminent danger. I turned and looked, and saw a man standing behind me, immediately became alarmed and ran, as fast as I could, to get away from him. When I stopped and looked ahead, past our new, decrepid, ramshackle apartment, I saw a beautiful horizon, blue sunny skies, a big orange sun and green lawns and mansions as far as I could see. Behind me, things were ugly, scary and gray, but up ahead there seemed to be warmth and hope. I stood in place for a moment, taking in the beautiful promise up ahead. I turned, once again, to look behind me and saw gray, cold structures, and felt mean undertones, and saw men dressed freakishly and evil clown-like, one in a hot pink tutu and one in women’s clothing and smeared hot pink lipstick. The scary man behind me was still there, dressed as though he had just stepped out of an old western. The scene reminded me of a circus. I looked ahead of me again and saw beauty. I wanted it so much, but I stood still, gazing and feeling like I could run towards the sun and be in that picture instead of the one I was in.
I am in love with Jonathan. We’re in love with each other. Last night was our one-year dating anniversary, and I wished it was our one-year wedding anniversary.
I think, eventually, it will be.
Still frozen, yet steadily thawing,
Shneed
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Robin,
ReplyDeleteThis is Joe...from...you remember, I hope.
I just found your blog today.
I wish I would have fount it earlier. I wish I would have known how much pain you were in. I wish I could have shared with you my pain, and could have held you as you wanted.
I'm glad you've found someone.
I still think of you.
I've had to leave school and move back to Chicago and am not well.
I was thinking of the past...happier times.
I had no idea how much pain you were in. I still remember the day in April we met, the day in August you came over to bring me empty syringes! The bittersweet, lonely, together new year's eve...the last time I saw you...I left Boston seven months later.
Oh how I wish I knew....
I'm so glad you are out of your own darkness into your light.
I am in terrible darkness and don't know how much longer I have.
I would love to be able to e-mail with you again as friends.
Hi Joe. I do remember you. I'm so sorry you're not well.
ReplyDeleteForgive me, but I feel it wouldn't be fair to Jonathan for me to begin e-mailing with you.
I wish you well, as always. Please take care of yourself.