My new life has begun. I’m tired. I have given up my fight, a fight I can’t win, anyway. Chris is gone. No matter how much I screamed and cried over the past five years, he was never coming back. He’s gone.
I miss him, greatly, even now, and I’m still so sorry for what happened to him. Terminal illness is horrifying for the afflicted, and extremely painful…and sad.
We laughed. We laughed a lot. We also bickered and annoyed each other. And I learned what love is, and I really, really wanted to keep it. I didn’t know I wasn’t done searching, yet.
However silly the notion, I still wonder if he remembers me.
The good news is that the fog is gone. I see us for what we were, and neither of us stands on a pedestal in my memory. We were just doing our best, and our best was the best I had ever experienced. What I have learned is that absolutely everything in life is a gift intended to help us learn and grow.
Jonathan and I share a whole different best. It’s nice, too. I love him. He loves me. We’re good together. And I wonder if I’ll ever really allow myself to let go completely, or if I’ll be scared forever.
Five years is a long time. I have arrived at a rite of passage, from the past into the present, and I will continue with my life with Jonathan as we share a brand new future together.
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Happy New Year, Robin, dear! This is Peg (Pungent Blunder!) My, how it has been a long, long time since I have last checked in with you. Yes, you have been through so much sadness and pain, but as you have said, you have unduly grown as a direct result of that pain. I only wish for you to be happy and that you take care of yourself. You never need to feel that you must put Chris away. No, dear. You only need to know that he is ever present and ever yours. This will never change. All my love to you, dearest Robin as you (and Jonathan) move forward in the glorious new years to come! God bless you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Peg. You have been a great source of strength for me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteLove, Shneed