Today would have been Chris’ 40th birthday. His 34th was the last one I got to celebrate with him, although I suppose I have celebrated each of his birthday’s since in my own way.
Deciding that his birthday is a happy day is a matter of flipping the switch in my head. I could easily collapse and cry all day about his absence from my life, or I can celebrate his birth, which provided him with life, and enabled us to meet.
My newest miracle is that I have not cried over Chris, at all, in almost one month, and that has opened wide the door into my future with Jonathan. My lack of tears is a direct result of leveling with Jonathan about my emotions surrounding Chris’ death. I had been unsure about just how much it was fair to share with him. I don’t want to hurt him, or make him think I loved Chris more than I love him. It’s a sticky situation, one that many men might not be able to handle. Not for my Jonathan, though. He’s tough. I fall a little more in love with him each time I trust him enough to be honest about the effects Chris’ death have had and still have on me. Jonathan just reminds me that I loved Chris very much, and reassures me that Chris loved me very much, too. Then he tells me that he’s thankful for how Chris’ presence in my life has shaped me and made the person I am, today. Then he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Sweet. My rock.
I joked with Jonathan this morning about how I am eternally thankful for Chris’ life and how he’s probably eternally thankful for Chris’ death. He was shocked, of course, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m a shock-jock when it comes to death, now. Society takes it all too seriously.
Today, on Chris’ 40th birthday, I give him the gift of continuing to let go and move forward in my life together with Jonathan. After all, Chris gave him to me.
You can read more about that at http://creejnshneed.blogspot.com/2008/10/his-eye-is-on-sparrow-and-i-know-he.html.
Happy birthday, sweet Creej.
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