Deadsy McGee

For the most part, I’m happy all day at work. Being around people definitely keeps my mind busy, but then again, being around people is one of my favorite things in the world. I really enjoy the companionship.

Every day, I become progressively sad as the work day ends and on my trip home. I become all too aware of the lonliness of my life without Chris in it. I wouldn’t say I’m lonely. I would say I’m lonely for Chris. It’s not like the presence of another person can fill that void.

My friends can distract my mind from the sadness and lonliness quite effectively. All we do is laugh. But inevitably, I end each day alone, where I once ended each day with my husband snuggled up against me in our bed. I loved trusting that no matter what we did each day or where we went, at the end of the day, he was right there beside me.

My life is different, now. I can work out four times a week because Chris isn’t home waiting for me. When he was home, I couldn’t wait to get there and be with him. In fact we had to work on me going or staying out once in a while so he could have some alone time. I was happy to work it out with him. I wanted him to have everything he needed. Still, it’s tough to be out when every fiber of your being is being pulled toward the other half of your heart. I did it though. I did it out of love. Chris appreciated it and loved me for it.

I love him. I’m in love with him and I’m no longer going to try not to be. I’m in love with Chris Burrage and that’s exactly how I’m going to stay until I feel that I can move on. Denying it, fighting it only increases my sadness.

One thing Chris always did was name people based on what they were doing, like “Laughsy McGee” if someone was laughing or “Spitsy McGee” if a jogger hucked a clam on his way past us. It was endearing. I began to do it myself. Another of my favorite things in the world is how two people in a relationship begin to use each other’s catch phrases and styles. I loved that we became each other, personality-wise.

The other day, I referred to Chris as “Deadsy McGee.” I know he would have appreciated that and I’m sure that wherever he is now, he stopped, chuckled and said, “Oh no, Shneed. Oh God, No.”

I miss him more than I ever knew I could miss a person. I feel his absense through and through. I miss his hug and his wit.

I miss our life together.