Dissecting My Heart

I wonder when the shortness of breath is going to end. When will the tightness in my chest subside? Will I feel like crying for the rest of my life? I don't want to be 84, talking about my husband who died thirty years ago. That thought terrifies me. The passage of time is one of the most horrifying things to me these days. How can I have not spoken to or seen my husband in eight months? That can't be, can it?

I don't understand how I can be a single woman again. I did everything right, this time. I earned my marital status but it was so shortlived. My friends loved Chris. I loved that they loved him. I loved being seen with him. I loved the little package that we were. We were both relatively small. Oh, he wasn't small to me. Who am I kidding. He towered above me at a collossal 5'8" or so.

Sometimes I Just want to scream and scream until I can't scream anymore. We were so perfect for each other. I really liked being married. I liked that I was through dating. I thought I would never be in this position again. I hate dating. I hate not knowing the person that I 'm with. It took me and Chris six years just to begin to know each other. I don't want to give six years to anybody else. I just want Chris to come back.

Gentle, sweet, funny, considerate, adorable, maddening at times (so am I), quiet, smart, silly, goofy.

I want this grief to go away so I can get on with my life. I want to be married again to someone I can feel as passionate or more passionate about. I want to know someone's every nuance again.

I don't know how I'm ever going to get to that point again. I'm horriied of out-doing Chris. I never want that to happen, but it might. and if it does, I feel like I'll be extremely sad, guilty and self-loathing.

People tell me that I won't ever out-do him and that it's not about that. They say that I'll fall in love again and it will be great again but a different kind of great.

Sometimes I feel divorced, undeserving and punished.