New Pajamas or A Rainy Ride Home

Something came over me. In the midst of the song, in the midst of the celebration of music, in the midst of the silliness a cloak of darkness fell on me and I had to leave.

The open mike was fun. Carol came with me and Lori and Marsha were there. That’s three of my favorite people in one place at the same time. It was a blast. I ordered wine and water, both because I’m a singer and I need them. Man, I love to sing. Carol insisted that I sing my two new songs. I complied.

Carol left before me. I suppose I should have gone, too, but I wanted to stay. I walked her to her car to prove that I was fine on my own on the way back, even though I shuttered when those two men walked by me. I see things so strangely now. If they’re not dangerous, I’ll get back to the open mike. If they are dangerous, I’ll go to Chris. There isn’t a hell of a lot of pre-fear these days. I suppose that if something horrible were to happen, I would be scared out of my wits, but sometimes I get so fate-tempting. The anger makes me feel destructive.

I got back to the restaurant just fine, but began to grow increasingly sad. Maybe it was the music, or the new pajamas I bought today. I think that was it. They are really quite adorable and Chris would have loved them. Styled like men’s pajamas, except for their light pink hue and satin appearance, he would have loved me in them. God, listen to me. He loved me with or without new pajamas. Did I mention that I had a glass and a half of wine on an empty stomach? That’s drunk for me.

I got into my car and the tears came almost immediately. I cried all the way home, once again squinting through my tears to see the traffic signals and the lines in the streets. I imagined myself spending the night in the slammer sobering up. How awful would that have been? I made it home, though. Home feels so safe,now. I feel cloaked in protection here. It took me twenty minutes to drive home and I bawled the entire time. I have stopped, though.

I’m hungry. It’s never a good idea to eat at this ungodly hour. I want to, though. I think I may have to.

I miss him. Especially tonight. I want him here but he'll never see this place. I’m very angry.

I’m going to be taking boxing from a former pro-boxer. I’m very excited about it. If for no other reason, to beat the ever-loving fuck out of a punching bag. I so need to punch and punch and punch until my fists hurt. I’m ready. Bring it on,.

I hope I don’t cry like a little girly-girl there.

I miss you more than ever, Creej.

Shneed