Chrisless Birthday

I’m laying in the bed in the guest room, scared, wondering if I’ll always feel this way. When will I get to feel normal again? Ever?

Chris’ birthday went well. Bonnie, Robert, Edna, Renee, Beth, Emily, Hannah and me sent out for pizza and when we were finished eating, Bonnie brought out a birthday cake she made for Chris. We were going to try to write, “Happy Birthday Chris” on it with cake decorating frosting but the tubes of frosting were impossible to sqeeze so instead, we decided to etch “Happy Birthday Chris” onto the cake with a stick. Chris would have laughed about that and would probably have said, “How nice for me.”

I did manage to squeeze some frosting in the shape of a love heart out. I said to Bonnie, “You know what Chris would have called me for this.” She replied, “A little faggot?” and I elaborated, “A little love-faggot.”

Right about then, I felt a surge of sadness coming over me and decided to swallow an Ativan to head off my grief at the pass. I went to the guest room to get my pill and began to cry. I corralled my feelings and went back into the kitchen.

We sang Happy Birthday, cut and ate the cake and then I asked if it would be too much to go around the table asking everyone to say something they are thankful to Chris for. It was a very nice way to remember him and love him.

Our 7 year old niece,Hannah, had been worried about the party all week because she thought Bonnie and I would cry. We explained to her that when we cry about Chris, it’s because we love him so much so it’s okay.

Finally, we toasted to Chris and clicked our glasses together.

All in all, the day went as planned. It was hard. It was sad. It was scary.