Scared of Tomorrow

I had originally subtitled this entry (Chris’ Birthday) but deleted it because I couldn’t stand to look at it.

I’m scared of tomorrow. In a lot of ways, the passing of his birthday is making the brute reality of my situation hit home. I would never not hug Chris on his birthday. I would never not say “Happy Birthday” to him. Those two facts alone force me to accept that he is no longer here. His life ended almost a year ago. Today, for a moment, I wondered what conversations we might have had that would have lead up to my decision about what his gift should have been. I already know that we would have dined out and toasted to another year, to how he beat cancer and to a whole host of other blessings.

I can feel terror slowly seeping into my pores and beginning to course through my blood vessels. I can physically feel the terror coating my under skin.

I am going to hold onto the hope that when tomorrow passes, so will the fear and that awful feeling that something horrible has happened will begin to diminish.

When will something horrible cease to “have” happened and become something that “had” happened?

Cautiously, yet bravely...and with half the breath I normally have,
Shneed