All the Rage

Rage is an emotion that paralyzes me so that I can do nothing but sit in front of the television hoping the sound will drown out the demons in my head. So far it hasn’t.

Wanting the rage to dissipate, wanting to cry but being unable to, wanting it to all go away and wanting Chris to come home and be with me again are some of the driving forces behind all the rage I feel. I am often paralyzed, wishing I never had to see him looking thin, drawn, scary and beaten down by his disease and by the belief and knowledge that he wasn’t going to beat it this time. I wish I didn’t have these memories in my head. I wish I had no memories of sitting next to his hospital bed, wishing the fucking nurses would let him rest.

I remember driving him home at the end of his eight-day stay in the hospital after his surgery. Chris hadn’t seen the light of day for eight days. On the way down Brookline Ave, he said about the people walking around, “It’s such a beautiful day. These people don’t know how lucky they are to be walking around.” I glanced over at him and a tear rolled down his cheek. My heart snapped during that moment and I don’t believe it has ever repaired.

How can the only man I have ever felt completely accepted and loved by be dead?

I hate to sound whiny but life just is not fair. I don’t think I ever really understood that to the depths that I understand it now. Chris death was so final. There is nothing I can ever do to put everything back together.

I had everything I ever wanted and it slipped right through my fingers.

Last night, as I drifted into dreams the tape that played over and over in my head was “All my fault, all my fault, all my fault...” I don’t know why, really. Logically, of course I know it wasn’t my fault. How could I have caused him to have cancer?

I hate that I remenber the moment he told his mother over the phone. I hate the way he looked at me and smiled when he got the diagnosis. I hate so many things.

I may be losing my stand-off with a drug-free recovery. I don’t know if I can go on feeling this way for too much longer. Maybe Clay will have some insight. I wish he had a hug. That’s really what I need.

Right now I have got to stop lashing out at my friends, fighting absolutely everything and getting angry with people for no good reason. I’m acting out and I’m not sure how to stop myself.