Feelin’ Greevy

For the past few days I have been feeling wonderful, but also feeling worried and a bit at unrest because I feel so wonderful. There has been no grief but plenty of guilt because there is no grief.

Tonight, I grieved and I have to say, grieving does not feel better than euphoria. My guilt was asuaged, though, so that’s a good thing. I keep toggling between guilt and grief. The absense of one summons the other.

I still feel as though I have been punished for something I did, even though I do not know what that something is. I don’t know what I could have done wrong to have the man I love taken from my life. Some people have told me that God is not a punishing God. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. I don’t get to know and I don’t get to be a wife, anymore.

I was so proud of who Chris was that I almost couldn’t stand it. He came to an open mike with me once, maybe twice, but certainly no more than that. I liked when he came because I got to show him off. Now I’m back in the trenches with the rest of the single women and I don’t want to be.

What if I end up with a man who wants to come to every open mike with me? What if I end up with a man who doesn’t laugh as much as Chris did? What if he is nothing like Chris. I don’t want that to happen.

Tonight, as I often do, I imagined myself living with Internet Guy. The poor thing doens’t even know that I’m already living with him, making pizzas with him, ordering out and considering marrying him. Tonight, in my imagination, he wanted to come to the open mikes with me. I got upset and cried because he is not my Creej. Nobody ever will be.

I’m going to sleep. I’m very VERY tired. I’m going on seven days of five hours sleep per night. I need more sleep than that.