A Day of Happiness

I cannot believe I that I could not recall last January 17th, this morning. As I walked down the street to the train station, I suddenly remembered, we were all at Chris’ memorial service. How could I forget that?

Before I left this morning, I looked at my Chris-collage and said, “Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.” and immediately fell apart. I was already late leaving and knew that I had to pull myself together so I pulled the bottle of Ativan from my bag, took one of the pills out and set it on the counter. A few seconds later, I picked up the pill, put it back in the bottle and placed the bottle back in my bag.

I thought I was going to be okay but, once again, my tears began to flow. I took the Ativan out again, put a pill on my counter, picked it up, eyed the bottle of wine next to it and thought, “That’s a perfect way to toast our love and anniversary. I’ll drop an Ativan and wash it down with some wine.”

I wanted to do it. I so wanted to do it. I refrained. I thought of Tai Babylonia.. Alcoholism starts somewhere, right? I had a forward vision of myself taking my Ativan and wine cocktail this morning, which segued into a vision of myself a month from now, drinking an entire glass of wine with my coffee each morning and having a bowl of Ativan and berries. That’s not how I want to proceed. Don’t get me wrong, the Ativan/wine cocktail was tempting, but once I realized the truth, that nobody will care, I realized I was contemplating out of anger alone. I swallowed the pill with water and left my apartment, confident in the knowledge that I would feel better by the time I reached the station. And I do. I’m tired, but at least I’m not a sobbing mess on the floor.

The problem I’m facing today is that because it’s our anniversary, I keep feeling excited and happy, as though something romantic is going to take place this evening. I keep forgetting that Chris is dead.

On my way to the station, I began to think of ways I could keep this day and make it a happy today and going forward. I thought, “What if I met somebody new, today and what if I went on a date with him, tonight?” The thought didn’t upset me. Instead, I thought, what a perfect thing to do on the anniversary of my beloved husband’s and my wedding day. It does make sense to celebrate a day of love with love. Really, my brain was just going into overdrive, imagining up scenarios. I didn’t see a reason to stop it.

I also thought that going forward, why can’t I deem our anniversary as a day in which I am nice to others. That would make me feel good. Why shouldn’t our anniversary day continue to go on being a happy day? It can.

I’m ready to go at 2:30 to grab my coffee and sit under our trees. Chris’ friend, Bob, might join me there. I hope he does. It will be nice to have the company.