Two years ago, today, Chris and I stood underneath our trees on the Boston Common and said our wedding vows. It’s hard to believe that was two years ago. Time is still a blur.
I have no recollection of this day, last year. I was deep within the confines of my grief-fog.
Yesterday was a tough day and last night was tougher. I tried to “suppress”, as it were, but everything came flooding out of me as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I let it come, knowing the tears would eventually exhaust me into passing out.
I feel alone, alone, alone and I suspect the only way out is to find another man to love. I have begun to dabble, ever-so-slightly, in the idea of beginning my search. I really don’t know how it’s done. Chris found me. I wasn’t even looking. I remember I had just begun to feel sexy in my own skin and I was enjoying flaunting myself. (Creej would have said, “Like a sweet whore of the night”.) I suppose I had begun to send out signals without even knowing, because they reached Chris clear across the room. He found me and we worked. It was easy. I hope it’s easy, next time, too.
Today would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. Is it still? I’m not really sure what to call it, anymore.
Today, I’m going to the trees to honor my love for my departed husband, a love that will remain in my heart through the ages. I plan to grab a coffee, sit at the base of the tree and wait for the 3:00 PM church bells to chime, just as they did, so sweetly and unexpectedly, when we finished exchanging our vows on January 17, 2004.
For now, I’ll just keep hanging on, banking on the hope that Clay’s words are true, that one day, I will feel as happy and carefree as I did before all of this ever happened.
In honor of Christopher J. Burrage and Robin Orloff Burrage
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