"One large coffee with cream and extra matrimony, please."

Yesterday, I left work feeling spent, unappreciated, taken advantage of, alone and very much missing Chris. I realized a pattern in those feelings that seems to keep repeating itself. It seems that many times, when I have a tough day, full of inconsiderate people and difficulties, the very last thing that happens is that I realize that when Chris was around, those unpleasant occurrences were never the last occurrences in my day. I used to get to go home and be with Chris for hours before we retired to slumber. Hours of talking, sharing, laughing and just being together. Life was easier then.

I left work in an intense state of anger yesterday, stomped out and got to Central Square forty-five minutes too early for my social worker appointment. I got angry at that, too. I guess I was just having an angry evening altogether.

To kill time, I decided to have a cup of hot chocolate at Starbuck’s and try to relax and alleviate some of the stress that had invaded my being by breathing and people-watching through the window looking out onto Mass Ave. I felt very sorry for myself and fought back tears the entire time. That’s when I decided to write my thoughts down on paper.

I asked myself what makes me happy. My list comprised singing, auditioning, my friends, the prospect of falling in love again, stopping to think about what I’m capable of, imagining my life in the future and helping others. All of those things make me very happy. I then realized, at least sitting there fighting back tears at Starbuck’s, that from now on, I want to try to be who I want to be and not who I am. The person I want to be is a person who lets trivial matters roll off her back. Trivial matters are trivial for a reason. I felt better.

I continued to write about how I was feeling.

My apartment is a lonely place. I didn’t know love before I knew Chris so I didn’t miss it then. My friends and my tendency toward self-absorption were enough to sustain me back then. I can’t go back to being that person, though. She’s gone.

Sometimes, “now” can feel restrictive, hopeless and unadventurous. I miss the constant companionship of Chris. Even though we were never joined at the hip, I knew who I was sleeping next to each night. Even when we were off doing our own things, I knew the phone would eventually ring and his voice would be on the other end of the line. I don’t have that now, but I want to have it again.

When Chris was alive, we did so many varied things together. We went to baseball games, traveled, went to museums, folk shows, art fairs, movies, dinner, drives and the list goes on and on. Life was never boring. Most of those activities do not exist in my life as it is today. I want them back. I want to do them all alone. I know I can do it. I want to travel and go to baseball games again. It’s a nice way to honor Chris’ memory. I don’t want my life to become predictable again, like it used to be.

I had a productive session with Clay last night. We talked a bit about Internet Guy. I’m nervous to meet him, but I’m also excited. He seems really nice. Clay seemed slightly impatient with my nervousness. He said, “It’s just coffee, right?” I clarified that he was only saying that because he’s not a woman. I then continued to make sweeping generalizations based on my own thoughts and beliefs

One such generalization is that women try on the guy’s last name from the moment the first date is in place. I confessed to him that I’m already stressed out about how we’re going to continue to see each other when he lives an hour away from me and that I’m nervous about how we’re going to both live in my apartment. There isn’t enough room. It’s just the way it is for me. My brain goes into overdrive and it’s difficult for me to see a coffee date for what it is. It’s quite possible that I left Clay speechless.

Anyway…tomorrow morning is Internet Guy and my coffee date. I already tried to give him an “out” by sending my cell phone number and telling him to use it if he’s running late, already there, if he wants to reschedule or if he just wants to say hi.

Stay tuned.

Nervous and excited,
Shneed