Without the Safety of the Net

Something is stirring. There’s too much excitement for me in this week and I am beginning to shut down as a result. Besides being a prime candidate for a new position at work, I am about to embark upon my first date in seven years.

I talked with Lori the other day, who also lost her husband to cancer a few months after Chris died. She’s my age. She has begun dating a guy she boxes with and they have gone on three dates so far. I’m very happy for her and very inspired by her, as well. We talked about how we miss hugs, companionship, kisses and the company of a partner-in-crime. I still feel guilt, as though I am having an affair behind Chris’ back, though. Still, Lori sort of gave me the green light, although it flickers on and off..

I’m meeting Internet Guy this Saturday. I sat on the couch the other night, unable to motivate myself to e-mail and ask him if he is still interested in meeting. Finally, I took my laptop in my hand, dragged it onto my lap, started it up and pondered my choices.

I was aware that I could cancel the date and the thought deceived me into thinking that once I did my problems would be gone. I knew it wasn’t true. My problem is that my husband died, I’m alone, I miss the companionship of a man in my life, I miss hugs, touches and kisses. I resigned myself to the fact that not meeting him would not get me any closer to rebuilding a new situation and opportunity to put the possibility of love back into my life. Still, the past seven months of e-mailing each other, hidden behind the safety of the net, was very easy. He knows only what I want him to know about me. I don't even think he knows my last name.

I e-mailed him.

I decided to come clean and be honest, an approach that has always alleviated apprehension in my life. I began my note with idle holiday chit-chat and eventually segued into an out-and-out confession. I admitted my nervousness and that I had really wanted to e-mail him and cancel, and run away. I told him that while I am fun-loving, happy, easy to be with and just plain fun, I am also very shy, especially when it comes to meeting guys. I then informed him of my decision to push through it and meet him. I went on to ask him what he is calling our encounter. A date? A meeting of the minds? I told him that I was considering it a date, but that I knew that word made some people uncomfortable. I waited.

His response was delightfully surprising to me. After offering his own idle chit-chat, he nervously admitted that he, too, will consider our meeting “a date”. He transitioned into the admission that he, too, is nervous and that he was sort of hoping I was e-mailing to cancel.

I laughed out loud! I found a guy who seems to share some of my own neuroses! What are the chances of that happening? My fears were assuaged.

But that was Tuesday and now I feel nervous, again.

At this point, I just want to meet him, break the ice, enjoy the day and continue my evening out at the open mike, secure in the knowledge that the date is over and I can begin to process whatever new grief-reactions crop up.

Until then, I will be churning, shaking and dreading.