Productive Weekend

This weekend could have gone two ways. After work on Friday, true to the pattern I had fallen into, I became depressed and scared to go home to be alone. My mood dropped steadily from the moment the clock struck five and the closer I got to my apartment, the more forlorn I became. Once inside the safety (and loneliness) of my walls, I sat on the couch and felt the first of the tears begin to well up in my eyes. I sat for about a minute, coaxing them to come, waiting for the storm when suddenly I said out loud, “I’m going to do some homework.” And I did just that.

Since Chris’ death, I have put off my online certificate classes. Chris used to enjoy seeing my work and providing favorable commentary on my creativity each time I completed an assignment. I loved his input, and occasionally I would make changes in response to his suggestions, which made him feel creative as well. Once he died, I found designing for school to be too painful, too difficult, and so I have been enrolled in my last two classes for the past two years. These classes typically take about six weeks to complete. I have had discussions with the student center explaining what happened in my life and requested and received countless extensions on these courses, only to find myself doing nothing to push through them and earn my certificate in Web and Digital Design. That all changed this weekend.

Deciding to be productive, instead of destructive set me on a course of accomplishment which has followed me all weekend. I, myself, am amazed at all that I have done over the past three days.

I completed one lesson in each of my two online classes, working a total of seven hours collectively and passed them in. I washed, dried and folded three loads of laundry. I sang at an open mike. I ran five miles and biked seven miles. I moved my furniture around, cleaned my apartment and organized all of my sheet music. I attended my nephew’s baseball game, wrote three blog entries and managed to socialize with friends.

All this because I was walking the fence between a depression-induced shutdown and the desire to complete everything on the list I have been keeping for months. I chose to be productive and it paid off.

This weekend, I escaped the extreme pressure under which I usually place myself and jumped, with both feet, into my life.

Despite the pain in my thighs, butt and knee, I feel fantastic this evening and I am quite looking forward to attending my evening slumber. I need to make a conscious effort to remember how I feel tonight. If I can jump into life each night and weekend instead of sinking back into death, I just might get through the pain of Chris' absense someday.

I wish I could be this powerful all of the time.

Shneed