I Have a Funny Feeling

Sitting at my desk, preparing to eat the salad I brought to work, I had a brief flash of a physical memory. I don’t know how else to describe it.

While drizzling 365 Organic Fat Free Balsamic Vinaigrette over my lunch -- in a period of one second -- I felt a warm, breezy, carefree day envelope me as Chris and I walked, holding hands, through the parking lot of WholeFoods Market on Santa Monica Boulevard in Los Angeles. That’s where I discovered this particular dressing. Just a trickle of the vinegar-based seasoning and I was instantly transported five years backwards in time. I remembered the way we were together; peaceful, quiet, lovely.

I met a man. You know him as “Barbeque Guy.”

I was in a bad mood all day Monday knowing I had a date with him that night. We met for coffee and a light bite and suddenly, I feel different. Familiar-different. We fit. I won’t go into detail about our conversation, likes, dislikes, similarities, differences and so forth because none of those things have anything to do with the way I felt being with him and the way I still feel now.

When I began dating Chris, I experienced an unforgettable feeling of comfort and for lack of a better (or already existing) word, “okay-ness.” Not only was I completely at ease with him, but I was struck with an instant comfort and fondness of everything about him, positive and negative. I recognized that same feeling prevailing in my time spent with Barbeque-Guy. I feel good. I feel okay. I feel like everything is going to be okay. We just fit.

At the end of our evening together, we hugged three times. We just could not separate. We would chit-chat, say good-bye, hug and then begin chit-chatting again and then hug and say good-bye etc. Three times.

He has e-mailed me almost every day this week. I know he likes me and I have piqued his curiosity. He told me so.

Now I will wait and see what happens.

I want to be with him. If you have ever been widowed and found yourself feeling the same way, you know the surprise and peace that feeling brings. I feel peaceful. Nervous and peaceful. I’m still trepidacious about stepping out of my Chris-safety-bubble, but I am not crying. I feel good.

…and I feel hopeful.

…and a little happy

…and filled with wonder