Rage and More Grief

I got up today and Carol picked me up, dropped me off in Harvard Square and from there I ran to my gym in Medford (6 miles), lifted weights and then walked home.

I think I do it to keep my grief at bay. I have been crying a lot lately. In fact, I just stopped crying about five minutes ago. There’s nothing new, same old story, I miss Chris.

Yesterday, I was overcome with a fit of rage that I didn’t know how to get out of. I screamed, cried and brought my fist down on my own thigh before I realized that bringing it down on my couch only hurts me in one place. I was raging and I could not stop. These are the fits that make me want to smash my own head against a wall. I feel very silly saying that again and again and again, but that’s the way things still are for me.

I finally caught myself, took a deep breath and tried to talk myself down. I wanted to scream and spit poison venom at the person who provoked the eruption, but I love that person and I realized that I didn’t want to ruin anybody’s day. Nobody deserves my rage-induced wrath. Least of all me, but since I have no control over when moments like this strike, I can at least stop the rage dead in its tracks and keep it on my side of the fence.

I continued a low-grade rage all day today until I got to Carol’s and tossed back a shot of Bailey’s Irish Creme, followed by an enormous bowl of popcorn, popped with oil and buried in salt. My entire body went limp and I finally felt relaxed through a movie.

My tears came to claim me again before I even put the key into my car door. Whatever. I don’t even try to fight them anymore. I drove home in tears, lugged seven bags of groceries up the six flights of stairs to my tower, sat down and continued to fall apart.

I have another date tomorrow evening after work. It’s just coffee. I was set up with him by a friend who thought we would hit it off. We did and he asked me out. I think he’s scared, which is a good thing because so am I. I think we’ll have fun, though.

I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love again and then he’ll leave me. Fear of abandonment, much? And just when I was thinking I had my neuroses all figured out.

I’m tired. I studied for an an exam from 9:00am yesterday morning until this afternoon and then did homework in two other classes. Not much of a weekend, except that my stress level is considerably low now that I am all caught up with my schoolwork.

I need to pull myself together for tomorrow’s coffee date with Barbeque-Guy. I think it will be fun. We’ll learn more about each other, he’ll decide he really likes me, I already like him, we’ll get married and live happily ever after.