Clay says that a year and a half is not a long time and that grief is a very slow process. I feel ashamed that I still cry during private moments, but at the same time, I feel comfort from my tears, even though they sometimes overwhelm me.
Tonight I told Clay that I am beginning to wonder how long I am supposed to keep coming to therapy. I keep talking about the same subjects over and over again and I am not really sure that talking to him is really helping me through my grief.
The truth is that I will miss him when I decide to stop my treatment. I needed him for a while. I had fun talking with him, joking about the very sad and horrifying trauma that occurred.
I probably ought to stop going. Saying good-bye to Clay is going to be sad for me because in a way, he replaced Chris for me for a while. He filled the void. I know I no longer need therapy but I am prolonging its end.
He suggested that I come next week and that we talk a bit more about how to handle things going forward. Tonight, it was hard to tell whether I felt great and no longer needed him or whether I was pumped up because I was planning to run the 5 miles home afterwards, which I did.
There are things I am going to need him for in my future. Maybe now is not the time to stop. Soon...but not just yet. I still need to get through beginning a new relationship and the possibility of falling in love with another man. That is going to cause me intense grief.
I hate everything that has happened and I miss Chris.
And I still want him back.
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Does it have to be all or nothing?
ReplyDeleteI "weaned" myself from my therapist: from every week to every 2 weeks to every 3 weeks. Then nothing for a while; then back to every week, every 2 weeks, now one appointment 6 weeks from the last.
Just wondering.
Yeah. I'm really not sure what to do. At this point he feels like a friend that I'm afraid to lose. In some ways, it will be like saying good bye to yet another part of Chris.
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