Better

Last evening, I brought the DVD of our wedding day and my laptop to Clay so he could see Chris in motion. For the first time, I watched the video from beginning to end without shedding a tear. Just last week, I could barely catch my breath and I was hard-pressed to peel myself off of my living room floor for the duration of the ceremony.

Clay liked it. He thanked me for bringing it and he commented on Chris’ quirky sense of humor and how good looking he was. Clay kept saying “is”, though.

Is this another shift in the tide? I feel as though I have admitted something to myself with the act of showing Chris to Clay. Something within me feels different. Have I admitted to myself, by playing the DVD for Clay, that Chris is gone. Who knows? Every time I think I make strides, I find that strides come complete with setbacks. And setbacks were two for the price of one last week.

I feel better, partially because I had a wonderful rehearsal Wednesday night but also partially because I disclosed to Marc that I am still grieving and that one of my fears is that people will expect me to have stopped by now. He was completely understanding and today, for the first time since I have known him, I felt the most minute, barely noticeable fraction of a smouldering spark somewhere very, very, very deep beneath the surface of anything I could possibly reach within me. It might have been a spark of trust.

I feel as though I honored Chris by sharing him.