Marc

Today, by his own request, Marc came over and fixed my bike for me. I had gotten a flat tire halfway through an 18-mile ride a few weeks back and Marc, an avid quite passionate cyclist, told me not to waste money taking my bike to a shop to have the tire fixed. Today, we drove to Davis Square, bought a new tube and some rim tape and he showed me how to change a tire.

When he finished, I told him how difficult it was for me to let a man do something for me, being the self-sufficient woman that I am. He said, “You did. You supported me. You held the bike up. You held the tire...and kept me company.” What a sweet man.

He came up to my apartment afterwards. Marc is the first man that has been in any of my homes since Chris died. I just couldn’t bear the thought of another man being in Chris’ space. Even though Chris never set foot in my new apartment, he is still the only man I would allow to occupy my living space up until today.

With a quick call to Carol, I obtained guidance and the approval I needed to feel secure in my decision to keep my pictures of Chris right where they are. He will always be a part of my life and I could never put him away in a closet. Chris does not belong hidden away like some filthy secret. He was my husband. I loved him then. I love him now.

I gave Marc the grand tour of my apartment and then he began walking around looking at all of my pictures. He said, “Is that him? Is that Chris?” when he noticed our wedding picture and I said, “Yes. That’s him.” He looked at it and mentioned my little hippie-flower wreath I wore in my hair that day, a homemade gift from Meira. He looked at a small collage of pictures of Chris, and me and Chris together and said, “Is that San Francisco?” I verfied that it was. I don’t know how the pictures made him feel, but he seemed very sweet about them and I liked his curiosity. I liked that he wasn’t afraid to talk to me about Chris. Somehow, he lowered my guard, which has been up for so, so long.

Marc is very much like Chris in so many ways. He is sweet, funny, easy-going, passionate, brilliant, kind and nice to me. His degree is in audio engineering and he worked for a radio station back in the day and wants to get back into it. He is a HUGE Red Sox fan and is so patient with explaining the game to me, much like Chris was. He loves good food, gets annoyed with the general stupidity of society and likes to be alone, away from life sometimes. He’s very, very nice.

I believe that Chris brought him to me. How else could I meet someone so much like him...so much like what I need back in my life. It’s like I lost my best friend in the world and that best friend sought out and found someone for me to be with and try to feel whole with again.

The other day I had e-mailed him telling him that my nerves were wreaking havoc and that I wanted him to know. He replied, asking me if it was something he did or said and I clarified that I was talking about my grief. I told him that I frequently become overwraught and that I just wanted to tell him so that I don’t have to pretend that I am not grieving. I thought it best to be honest with him so he’ll know.

Tonight, in the car, he brought up the e-mail and said he was glad that I wrote it. He said he understands grief (his sister, brother and father have all passed on). He told me he is not trying to put any pressure on me at all and that he has a really nice time with me everytime we go out and that he doesn’t mind taking things as slowly as I need or want things to go. I told him I also really enjoy his company.

Up until tonight, we had been very quickly kissing goodnight with a swift peck on the lips and a hug. Tonight, I kept kissing him. We kissed for a while and then I thanked him for everything and got out of the car.

I couldn’t go upstairs right away. I sat, looking at the stars, called Carol to tell her how smitten I was and how nice Marc is and now I’m writing this, considering watching a bit of tv and then drifting into sleep.

Tonight I am very happy. I am quite smitten with this man. I happy I met him and I’m happy with the way things are progressing. It felt good to kiss again.

And I am so thankful to Chris for watching over me and helping me.

And I miss him.

And I love him.

Shneed