Breathless

Tonight, I ran six miles after being sedentary for two and a half weeks. Tomorrow promises to bring intense leg pain.

Depression has a way with keeping me from moving. Today I woke up happy for the first time in about a month or so, give or take a few days.

I continue to experience flashes of panic when I am attacked the realization that Chris once lived and has not been with me for nineteen months. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t believe how ripped off we both were Our love was too young to have to be ended. Even though some very nice feelings toward Marc are forming within me, I am still deeply saddened and haunted by all that has transpired over the past three years.

I don’t want to forget him. I am horrified of forgetting who he was, the feeling of his body next to mine, what he looked like and how we were together. The thought of his memory fading from my mind is terrifying. I grapple to keep him close but I know that as the years pass I will have to place him somewhere within my heart and eventually images of his face will not come to mind as readily as they do now. I am too afraid of that reality to be able to cope effectively.

I feel damaged and I wonder if the feeling will follow me throughout my life. Hyperventilation has become a regular part of my life. Why do I still feel as though I am suffering low grade post-traumatic stress syndrome despite the fact that Clay feels that I am experiencing panic attacks? I don’t feel panicked. I just lose my breath when I get struck with memories of Chris’ illness. I sat helplessly by his side screaming silently from the deepest part of my core, wanting his pain and fear to stop, stop, STOP.

There is nothing more painful in this life than watching someone you love suffer helplessly from a disease that cannot be stopped.