A Romantic Dinner for Three

Wednesday morning, I woke up and immediately purged the tears that had been welling up in my eyes for the past few days. I got ready for work and left my apartment to walk to the train station. On the way, I felt a very strong desire to listen to the Ellis Paul song, “If You Break Down” which has become an anthem in my life that encapsulates the entire cancer ordeal beginning with Chris’ diagnosis and ending with...well, the end.

More tears welled up in my eyes and I was not successful in my attempts to squash them back down. They flowed freely as I continued walking, unable to control the flash flood, and I thought I was not going to be able to get on the train.

I have published the lyrics here before, as this was the very song I quoted at Chris’ memorial service back in 2005. I love the song, but it holds so much pain and broken promise for me. I love the songs of Ellis Paul dearly. His voice is unlike any I have ever heard before and his lyrics, image-driven and pregnant with symbolism, take me places, some good, some bad, but every one extremely enriching and all-encompassing.

These lyrics are from the album. They’re a little different from what he actually wrote.

If You Break Down (from the album The Speed of Trees)

So you’ve come to a day
where you wish the clocks
could roll backwards
in the cover of night
you're begging the stars to stay
asking satellites
to stop and help you remember
how to picture the world
before everything had changed

If you break down
I'm at your shoulder
Take me at my word
You can break down
I will tell you over and over
A reliable sound is coming around
If you break down

If fear comes without invitation
and lays its head
in the green of your tired eyes
if it's paralyzing
I will wake you
We will walk a thousand paces
walk away, walk away
till you are walking on your own

I remember what it felt like to wish the clock cold roll backwards.
I remember the helpless feeling of begging stars to stay.
I remember the moment I realized I could no longer remember a life that hadn’t been marred by cancer.
I remember hoping against hope for that reliable sound to come around and save me.
My eyes have been nothing but tired since Chris got diagnosed.
The only thing I wanted was for Chris to wake me up and for us to be able walk away from the nightmare.
I am still not walking on my own. Limping, maybe, but I don’t really believe that I will ever walk unaffected, again. The song is a broken promise.

I brought my laptop to my session with Clay and played the song for him. I wanted him to hear what I feel. I think he heard.

After the song, I couldn’t speak about my feelings. I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t. There is so much association wrapped up in those lyrics. I wish I could enjoy the song again, but I’m not expecting that to happen.

I fell into the black depths of hell on Tuesday and Wednesday and I wanted to tell Marc that I had to stop seeing him. I didn’t do it, though. Instead, I e-mailed him after the open mic on Wednesday evening just to say hello.

Tonight, he is cooking dinner for me at his house. I cannot help but live in two parallel worlds right now. Chris cooked dinner for me right around date # 5, too. I still remember what he made, where we sat, and talking on the sofa afterwards. I am not trying to compare the two men, but it’s happening, anyway.

Tonight, dinner will be with me, Marc and Chris.

No man in his right mind would put up with that.