The other night as I lay in bed I had an interesting thought.
Of course I wish Chris was alive, so much so that I began to cry. I became aware that I met Marc because Chris died. I would not know him today if Chris was alive and we were still married. I worked myself into a grief episode and thought, “I wish I never...”
The wish was going to be that I never met Marc, but then I realized that I could not finish that wish. I’m glad I met Marc, even if Chris’ death is what made it so. I am really beginning to have feelings for Marc.
Confusion and more grief are setting in. I wish Chris was still alive and that we were still married to each other. I am glad I met Marc. Both of those statements are true and that realization has the capacity to lead me to the brink of insanity.
Two men. One dead. One alive. I feel like I love them both and I feel as though the two of them are intertwined in some way. The two of them are intertwined in my grief and contrasting happiness.
I believe that Chris brought me and Marc together. How else could I possibly have found a man so much like Chris, unless he was a gift?
Marc has a Novocain effect on me. When I am with him, grief fades into a fog. I forget my sadness during the time I spend with him.
I am not yet ready to let go of my sadness. To do so is a horrible act of abandonment on my part. I cannot yet abandon my Chris. I feel as though he still needs me.
He’s probably laughing at me for that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Yup... right there with you.
ReplyDeleteRon and I frequently have said that we wish we had never met... that we had never had cause to meet... that Carol and Nick were both still alive... that Ron and I were blissfully unaware of the YWBB... that we were still DGIs...
Of course, since Nick and Carol are dead, Ron and I are profoundly grateful to have found the board, to have met each other, to have fallen in love with each other.
But if only we hadn't...
Yeah. If only. It's going to be tough for a while, I think. "Me and Marc" are sitting on a nerve that's directly connected to "Me and Chris" and what might have been, what could have been and what should have been. I don't know what's going to happen. I only know that it isn't happening fast enough and that that's probably for the best. I think Marc knows that. He's such a brave person to put himself in my life.
ReplyDeleteAs I've always been told, "God doesn't close a door without leaving a window open first." - Some food 4 thought.
ReplyDelete