Maybe tomorrow will be better.

8:04 PM...

I’m running out of time.
There is nobody in this world for me.
Chris was the one.

I can’t keep breaking down this way. It has been a year and eight months!
WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?

I hate my life.
I hate my grief.
I hate myself for not being able to handle Carol’s new relationship.
I hate Chris.
I hate that nobody knows I still feel this way.
I want to hurt myself.
Why am I such an asshole?

I feel like a fucking schizophrenic.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.

i just, plain hate.

Jeez. I should have posted all of THIS in my new match.com profile.

9:39 PM...

Well, that was quite a breakdown, initiated by too much time spent on Match.com. I became overwhelmed and bounced into a mode where I believed I would never love anybody else my entire life though. I threw my remote control and my box of tissues. I shoved my laptop away from me, punched the sofa, dropped to the floor, writhed around screaming and crying and finally banged my head on the floor, injuring my neck.

After pulling myself back together, I called Jeanne, a woman from the young widows’ forum I frequent online. We have never spoken in person before, but I am beginning to feel like I will possibly attend some of the get-togethers the group holds. Talking with her stabilized me. She and I are on the same widow timeline, so we shared our stories with each other.

It’s tough, sometimes, to realize that nobody knows how grief-stricken I still am. I don’t freak out like that in front of other people. Sometimes I scare myself. Tonight I scared myself. I found myself wishing I could kill myself, once again. Then I decided that if I am still alone and grief-stricken ten years from now, I will kill myself. We’ll see how that goes.

Nobody knows...except for the other young widows. It’s time to reach out.