Love is in the Air

I ended my relationship with Marc, yesterday. I decided to go with my gut feeling that the timing is completely off for me and decided not to keep him hanging on. I had some really nice times with him and he’s a very nice person, but I just don’t feel as though this is the right time or that he is the right guy for me.

My plan is to focus on school, theater and writing and live my life for a while without putting any pressure on myself in the relationship department. It's best for me that way. I apologized for wasting his time. He said that I didn’t waste his time and that I actually brought some happiness into his life.

So now I am single once again and although this was the absolute right move for me, I’m feeling a bit scared of the independence, especially since Carol is absolutely blown away by her new love. But I decided that if I ended my relationship, I would promise myself that I was going to be happy about all of the other things in my life and that’s what I am going to do.

Carol has what I had with Chris, now. I am so, so happy for her and although sporadic envy threatens to infect my soul, I am doing a stand-up job of tempering any feelings of jealousy I may feel, smothering them with unconditional love for Carol and happiness that she has finally found somebody who she is crazy about and who treats her beautifully. We both believe she has just found her husband. Because I believe that, I also believe that love could find me at any moment at all. That thought excites me. Jealousy is a useless emotion and I don't want to be that girl.

Tuesday, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist who also practices hypnotherapy and past-life regression. My hope is that he will help me to let go of some of the blocks I still hang onto, like the comparisons I draw between Chris and other men and the feeling that I will never find anyone I love as much as I loved Chris. I would also like to remove the sadness I feel when I remember times like the day we sat on his front steps sharing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s waffle cone ice cream or that first time he came down his steps to answer the door when I couldn’t remember what he looked like. I don’t want to cry when I think of those times.

I feel old when I remember who I was back then. I know I was 32 years old, but meeting and falling in love with Chris made me feel like I was an adolescent discovering love for the first time. There was something very young about us. I always felt like we had met before.

Carol believes that she and her boyfriend had known each other in a past life. They met two weeks ago and they are totally in love. It isn’t like Carol to feel that way but they have been on a whirlwind for the entire two weeks. They both feel like they have known each other for a lifetime. I know what that feels like. I felt that way about Chris. I’m glad Carol has found him. I look forward to meeting somebody like that again, too. I have already begun learning so much from Carol about how to be open.

For now, I need to get busy getting better, healing, growing and remaining open to any blessings that may come my way. I want to do life right. I want to do all of the things I am supposed to do here so that when I see Chris again, we can share our accomplishments.

Love will come, as long as I want it to come.