Out of my Cocoon and into the Air

I have been feeling different, lately. Hopefully, I can analyze and accurately describe what is going on in my life.

I have spent the past week on a roller coaster of euphoria/confusion/anxiety. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I have been seeing Marc for the past couple of months. Together, we have established that we have referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. I have a really nice time when I’m out with him. The trouble is that I’m not sure if that’s because I’m out with him or because it’s nice to be out on a date with a man...any man. I am not particularly attracted to Marc other than in a way that is similar to a good friend. He makes me feel good. He’s very nice to me and very nice in general. Still, I am beginning to feel as though I need to spend some quality time alone.

I have spent the past twenty months in a state of unrelenting grief over the loss of Chris. I have lived every day with anxiety stemming from my fear that I will never meet another man in my entire life that I love as much as I loved Chris. I have thrown myself into school, work and performance in an effort to keep myself busy to try to temper the grief and anxiety. I have been alone for twenty months of pain and anguish. I am finally beginning to feel differently and I believe it’s because I have dated Marc.

For so long I have just wanted to get another man into the empty slot that Chris left behind. Another man is all I could think about. Getting him in here to fill the black emptiness. I have been dating Marc for a couple of months, kissing him, holding hands and just being with him and my time with him has been very nice and has helped me to feel better. But now that I feel better, I think I really want to be alone now.

True, I have been alone since Chris died, but alone and in pain is very different from what I am beginning to feel these days, which is alone and hopeful, alone and happy, alone and industrious. I think I want to be alone for a while and enjoy the good emotions, enjoy myself, and enjoy the solitude I have just found myself reborn into. My favorite thing in the world lately is spending all day Saturday drinking coffee in my candlelit living room, organizing my life back into shape and studying psychology and spontaneously visiting my family and friends. Before I met Chris, I spent my entire weekends in this fashion. Half a year ago, the thought of returning to that unstructured schedule horrified and upset me. Now it's back and I can't believe I feel better.

I don’t want to be tied to anyone. I like my solitude. I finally like my solitude, again, which is something I thought would never happen.

The other piece to all of this is that Marc is my first foray back into a life of couple-dom and I never wanted the very next man I met after Chris to be the next “one.” I have a blank canvas in front of me on which to paint my present and future and I want to take my time and see places, people, events and experience life before I decide to couple up again.

This has been very confusing because I have such a nice time with Marc, but I am 90% certain that I don’t feel love or attraction or romantic feelings toward him. Maybe it’s too soon for me to feel or maybe I’m afraid. I don’t know the answer. I just have to know that whatever I choose, there will be no going back. If I set him free, I need to leave him alone after that or risk dragging him into my very transitional confusing metamorphosis.

I really think I just want to be alone for a while. I keep feeling the desire to go on dates with many men and just coast for a while and have fun. And relax. And finish closing my life with Chris.

I have indicated to Marc a couple of times that I think I want to be alone but our conversations have been so wishy-washy and he has the gift of persuasion on his side.

At any rate, I am going to take a few days and see if my feelings change. If they stay the same, it may be time to venture out and be the brave warrior that I know I am.