Jealousy, Hatred Turned Inward and Grief

I feel like a loser. I’m having a tough time remembering how I was once married and how it meant the world to me. I can’t remember our friendship or the ease in which we interacted. I want it back.

My psychology professor mentioned his wife tonight and that triggered a downward spiral of grief for me that has so far lasted an hour and twenty minutes. It was the way he said, “my wife” that sliced my heart in two. He said it with such normalcy. I remembered the times I heard Chris say those same two words, “my wife” in phone conversations. I loved hearing him say it.

I’m going to tell Marc I want us to stop seeing each other. It isn’t right. It doesn’t feel as good as I want it to. I’m not ready. I’m still grieving and I’m not ready. I didn’t plan to meet Chris. It just happened when I wasn’t trying. That’s the way I will find love again...when I’m ready.

Carol has a boyfriend, now. Carol deserves love and I hope she finds it. The two of them are so immersed in each other. Still, tonight I freaked out when she left a message telling me “Don’t call.” She was going back to her house after watching him play the piano. I know she was saying it tongue in cheek, but I got so jealous and angry and victimized. I don’t deserve her friendship.

I hate myself right now. I don’t want to be without Chris. I have a whole lot of anniversaries rounding the bend again beginning in November. Time really flies.

I feel like nobody understands what this is like for me. People know I’m hurting but nobody understands. I’m turning it all in on myself. I hate myself. People don’t hate me. It’s me doing it. I have to remember that.

Everybody on the young widows board says that when you are through actively grieving, you know it. There’s a calm, a peace that begins. I think I was foolish to believe it could happen this quickly.

Still, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I had a lovely week. This is a setback. That’s all this is.