Facing Demons, Part 3

So, the past week and a half have been very tough for me. By taking the steps I took to face my demons regarding the medical aspects of Chris’ cancer, I essentially unlocked a door in my brain where I had conveniently compartmentalized all of the pain and anguish that resulted from watching his pain and anguish. I threw myself for a loop.

This past week, when I thought I was going to attend the bereavement group, I wrote the following e-mail to my professor, who works at Dana Farber with children who have cancer and their families:

Hi Bob,

A little over a year and a half ago, I lost my husband to cancer.

Last Wednesday, I went to Dana Farber and spoke with a social worker who recommended a bereavement group that is beginning this coming Tuesday evening at DF. The group is going to meet every other Tuesday evening for 8 weeks and the person who is running it hasn't returned my call to tell me if it's going to run again. I'd like to attend the meetings because the timing feels right for me.

If I attend every group meeting, I will miss the first hour of 4 psych
classes. If I attend every other meeting, I will miss the 1st hour of 2 psych classes.

Will you please tell me how either of these scenarios will affect my grade so I can make an informed decision?

Thank you.

Robin

I toiled over whether to send it or not. I was horrified and I felt strange, but I didn’t know why. I sent it.

Two days went by and he didn’t answer, but I figured it was a long weekend. People go away, they take vacation, etc...

I began to panic about sending the e-mail. I wished I hadn’t done it. I started to think that I didn’t really want to go to the group and that I had just experienced a weak moment in which I felt I couldn’t shoulder the grief alone, anymore, without others who know firsthand what it’s like to lose a spouse. I wrote another e-mail to my professor:

Hey Bob,

I am not going to attend the group, after all. I'm going to go on the assumption
that it will run again in January.

Last week was very rough for me, but I rode out the wave and, truth be told, I'm
enjoying psych too much to miss any class time. My only regret is that I didn't
come to this conclusion BEFORE I sent my first e-mail. Ugh.

Never mention this to me. Ever.

Thanks. :)

Robin

Please disregard my last e-mail.


I felt very ashamed about my e-mails and I didn’t know why. I felt very silly that I had sent them, at all and I wished I hadn’t.

Bob replied:

Hi Robin

Sorry to be delayed in getting back to you. I was going to suggest you do
whatever is best for you. It seems you have reached a decision that seems OK
for now. PLease let me know if I can be of help. -Bob

His reply was very nice. I thought that he would be nice, based on his vocation. It takes a certain type of person to work in a profession that requires complete selflessness.

When I went to class Tuesday evening, after feeling as though I had been gone for a month on grief-leave, I walked into class and took a seat at the back of the room. I was afraid he was going to say something, even though I had asked him not to.

During the break, he told me that he e-mailed me and I said I knew and thanked him. Then at the end of class, I grabbed my stuff, issued my weekly “Thank you.” and fled the premises before I could end up alone with him.

I was relieved that it was over.