Facing Demons, Part 4

It is so scary and hard to believe that a single visit to the hospital area could upset the balance I had begun to strike to the extent that it has.

Carol and her new boyfriend are in love and I have not been able to accept their relationship. She’s like a sister to me, she was there for me from the beginning and most days, I can’t face her. I don’t want to answer the phone when she calls. I don’t want to go out with the two of them and I am horrible company to her when it’s just the two of us.

I am not jealous of what she has. I don’t want her boyfriend for myself. That’s not the case, although, he is practically a carbon copy of Chris. I would like a boyfriend of my own, though, even though I hate that word. I thought I would never have to utter that word again once Chris and I got married. I need to see him. I think I need to watch our wedding again.

I have not really been able to understand my emotions lately. I am so out of control of how I feel.

I’m beginning to understand a little bit, now. I just took a Lorezapam because I can’t deal with myself. I took one last night, too. I feel like I opened a Pandora’s box by visiting Dana Farber and like this is never going to get easier, now. I feel like I closed the curtains on my life and it is never going to be light again.

At the present moment, I feel like I hate Carol. I hate her, not because of what she has or who she is. I hate her because she was single the entire time Chris and I were together and now that she is in a good, strong relationship i cannot cope. The fact that she is with a man and they are in love and they are now identified as a “couple” is glaring proof to me that Chris is dead, because if she was still single, I could pretend that he wasn’t. She is now too much proof that life goes on and it’s much too painful for me to be with her and hear her talk about him and how much she loves him and how they’re going to move in together and buy a piano so he can play and all that potential that used to be mine is gone because my partner is dead. As long as she stayed single, I could keep Chris alive and now there is no more pretending. He never knew her to have a boyfriend. Anything and everything Chris ever knew is changing and is going to continue to change until absolutely none of it is as it was when he was alive.

Carol moved on. Cafe China closed. The apartment Chris lived in when I met him has been refaced and looks nothing like it did when we met.

We had a life together!! We did!! And I want to fully and completely be able to place it in the past where it belongs! I’m so fucking tired of feeling this way. I can’t keep doing this. Every little change feels like another nail in the coffin.

I want to be completely happy for Carol. I don’t want my happiness for her clouded with grief anymore. I’m not a good friend. I’m a bitter, miserable, grief-stricken weak person.

Carol and Josh invited me to a movie tonight and I should have gone, but I couldn’t because of all of these feelings. I am becoming immobilized. I can’t let go. There are too many secrets in my brain and my demons are threatening to choke me.

I need help. Nobody knows. I need to tell Carol about this.