Finding the Meaning in my Life

Sometimes, the word of a trained professional is all I need. Clay confirmed for me, by expressing his opinion, that I probably had the flu because typically, with anxiety-induced psychosomatic symptoms, a person will feel as though she needs to vomit, but probably will not actually do so. A tremendous weight of fear and shame has been lifted from my shoulders.

I talk a big game when it comes to my ability to handle adversity and suffering in a constructive and forward-moving manner, but the truth is that sometimes I doubt that ability. Lately, I have found myself stuck right smack in the middle of the road, wanting to let go of Chris and the horrors surrounding his illness and demise, yet not entirely consciously being unwilling to release my grip on my grief. I still cannot articulate what purpose my grief serves me, but I believe I am getting something out of my reluctance to let go, otherwise, letting go would not feel so impossible.

In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl talks about the healing power of finding meaning for one’s suffering, a meaning in life. This very thought-provoking book has prompted me to question the meaning in my own life. I thought my life had meaning, but what I am realizing is that while people in my life have meaning to me, and while activities in which I participate have meaning to me, I am not aware of the actual meaning of my life, itself. When I ponder the answer to the question, I come up short.

I care about people and I want to use that quality more. I am studying psychology in order to give myself the proper tools to help others, but learning an official skill set will take time, so I am a work in progress.

Why did Chris suffer and why did I suffer Chris’ suffering and why, for that matter, do I continue to suffer the loss of my sweet husband? There are valid answers to all of these questions and there are reasons for all of the suffering of all people.

Answering that question with regard to Chris’ suffering hardly seems fair. He is no longer alive and cannot benefit from his own suffering, unless there really is another place the soul goes after life on earth. Did Chris suffer so I could learn how to give myself entirely to somebody else? That answer feels narcissistic, which shames me, but if the answer is true, it is not just true for me, but for everybody who has been hurt by Chris’ death. We have all learned and the lessons are plenty, even endless. We learned what disease looks like close up. We saw a real-life demo on how a person deals with being diagnosed with disease. We learned medical terms we never thought we would need to know. We learned, some of us for the first time, how losing a loved one feels. We learned we can go on living, and that suicide, although entertaining, is not the best option. We lost old friends we thought we would know forever and gained new ones throughout the ordeal. The lessons just go on and on and probably will for as long as we are able to learn.

My next course of action is dissecting my life, my thoughts, my beliefs and my aspirations in an attempt to uncover the meaning my life holds. There is meaning, of that I am certain. I may not be able to precisely identify that meaning at this point in time, but Victor Frenkl has opened a door for me which leads into the proverbial “great unknown.”

There is where I am headed. There is where we are all headed.