His Legacy

This morning, I have been reading a lot of the stuff Chris wrote in the year and a half before he died. I think I am going to publish all of his writings in my book, along with my own writings from before he died, beginning with the diagnosis.

Last night, I dropped a delicious Ativan for the first time in a little while. Zoloft has been doing the trick for me, so I haven’t needed too much Ativan. However, I do love the stuff. I had forgotten that even though I have been taking it periodically, I have only been taking half of a pill, so last night I very hastily dropped an entire pill down my throat and before I knew what was happening, I had been relaxed into a state I can only remember from a time long before cancer ever entered our picture.

I must be feeling the anniversary. Last night, on two separate occasions, I actually got that old feeling that I could call Chris and ask him something. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. First, I was trying to find the boxing gym I am going to today. I know it’s near the Paradise on Commonwealth Avenue, but for a split second, I thought, “Chris will know. I’ll just ask him where the....oh....I can’t do that.” and then later in the evening, I was watching “Taxi Driver” and I couldn’t figure out whether Robert DiNero’s character was a taxi driver or a cop. I thought, “Chris knows. I’ll ask him...oh.” I always freak myself out when I do that. At my appointment with Clay the other night, and then again on the phone with Robby last night, I referred to Chris in the present tense. “Chris has a...blah blah blah.” and then I corrected myself with the past tense form of the verb.

When I read Chris’ stories, I feel like he’s right here in the room with me. His writing is every bit who he was, a nice reminder for me on those days when my memory of him feels clouded by the passage of time.

We had fun, Chris and I. Home was a silly place to be, and an emotionally safe place for me to land for the first time in my life. Family life was peaceful for the first time. I had a best friend living with me, existing with me in the same emotional and spiritual space and I loved that we shared that space, physically and emotionally.

I suppose if I am serious about finding the meaning in my life as a means for growth, I would have to begin by believing that Chris primed me for life and love and that I am now fully equipped with everything I need to bring that gift to somebody else and share life with him. I have to believe that perhaps the meaning in my life lies in bringing meaning into the lives of others and that maybe I can start by bringing to others all that Chris gave to me.

After all, I have become Chris in my own way. He lives on within me and if I choose, I have the power to show everybody who he was by projecting Chris’ beauty onto them.

Life would be better if Chris could have continued to project his beauty, himself, but as always, I’m happy to help. Even though Chris was sick and in danger of dying, my life held the most meaning and happiness when I knew I was helping him.