Lately, I have been feeling as though Chris is around me. I feel his embrace, but in a different kind of way. I feel comforted. Yesterday morning, right before I woke up, the very last image my brain produced was that of a frame of Chris wearing the biggest, most wonderful smile I have ever seen. I just feel like he is here, guiding me out of the hole into which I have sunken. Maybe the Zoloft is helping...or maybe the Zoloft is helping clear a path for Chris to reach me, now. Maybe both.
I'm still shaky and I don't really trust that my grief will dissipate and I am on guard against every peak and valley. I am filled with anxiety when I think about the goings-on of 2 years ago today, but I can't not think about it. I am still frightened by the magnitude of what happened and I am afraid that it will happen again with whomever I meet next. And I still want to get off this crazy ride. And I still want to prevail.
There will be no Ellis Paul concert for me this New Years Eve. I did that, already and proved to myself that I could be there, but Ellis doesn't hold the same magic for me as he did when Chris was alive and enjoying the music with me.
My Match.com account is expiring in two weeks and after that I am just going to coast for a while and hope and try to meet somebody on my own. But my priorities will be school, exercise and performance for a while. Once I become focused on those three activities, I feel as though the rest of my life will begin to come together.
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