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Each morning when I wake up, for a couple of seconds I lay still wondering whether, or not, I am going to cry. On my way up the five flights of stairs leading to my apartment, I wonder the same thing.

I have been crying for so long that I can’t remember what life was like before I cried every single day. Tears have become a norm in my daily routine. I cry in the morning, laugh throughout the day, cry when I get home, laugh before bed and cry under the comfort of my blankets. There are so many different types of tears that I never noticed before I became an expert: angry tears, soul-crushing tears, tears of complete and utter resign. I know which ones I am crying each time.

Last night on my way home from the audition, I passed through the neighborhood Chris and I lived in when we came home from Los Angeles. I didn’t really plan to come home that way, but something inside of me kept pulling me in that direction.

Last night’s tears began as I sat at a red light at the intersection of Washington and Commonwealth Avenue. I glanced across the street toward the Brighton Café, a favorite breakfast place of mine and Chris’, and closed my eyes for a few seconds. Suddenly I was inside, sitting across from Chris three years ago, smiling at him. The memory was so real I forgot I was in my car. I could feel him. The realization that I was merely dreaming came back like a cruel arctic frost, hardening over my joy and freezing time at 2005.

That part of town does it to me every time. I continue to pass through in some effort to understand and accept what has transpired over the past couple of years.

I cried from the time I arrived in that intersection until I arrived beneath the covers in my bed, taking a fifteen minute break only to eat some Edy’s slow-churned caramel swirl ice cream and cool whip. There’s nothing sad about Edy’s slow-churned caramel swirl ice cream and cool whip.

Before turning in for the night, I prayed to Chris and to God to send me a man who is just like Chris.

What I really want is to be with a man who is just like Chris.