Jim

I had to skip boxing yesterday because I have pulled a muscle in my neck and back. I toiled over whether I should go work through the injury or skip the workout altogether. After much consideration I decided to skip.

I didn’t fully appreciate the effect boxing has been having on my mood. I was just teaming with anxiety all day yesterday to the point where I got nothing done. I can’t afford to let that happen today, too. I have tons of reading to do for school and I am hoping I can calm myself down and get my nose to the grindstone within the next few minutes. I can do it.

My muscle still hurts, but not as bad as yesterday, so by Tuesday, I will be back at the gym, hopefully.

I still have a hard time not crying when I return home for the evening these days. I still feel a large void in my life where Chris used to be. He would be proud of me as of late, though. I think my boxing shenanigans would have impressed him.

Carol said the most thoughtful thing last night. She said that when I’m ready, she and Josh would like to watch my wedding video so Josh can meet Chris. My heart swelled. What a sweet, thoughtful thing to say and do. I’d like Josh to meet Chris, too.

I have a second date with a man I met on Match a few weeks ago. He was my last-ditch effort at the online form of meeting people. I just don’t like that sort of setup. My account was running out and the day before it closed, he winked at me so I sent him my personal e-mail address and we stayed in touch. Our first date was nice. He’s a sweetie.

I’m not one for small talk on a first date, so we talked about theater, true crime stories, phobias (our own personal ones), fears and the deaths of Chris and of one of Jim's close friends. During our conversation, he said, “Wow. I don’t usually reveal this much on a first date.” Go me. We’re having dinner again this Thursday evening. I like this guy. He likes me, too.

He’s very busy pursuing his Ph.D. in Psychology so he works at a paid internship Monday through Friday and goes to school at night, plus he works a part-time job to help make ends meet. I like that he’s that busy. He’s got big plans to open his own practice by day and return to the stage at night. He’s an actor, too. I like our busy schedules. Anyway...I’m excited about Thursday evening.

Last night I cried for Chris. I just miss him. I still have a large amount of survivor’s guilt, too, and I wonder if it will ever dissipate.