Split LIfe

I have been thinking about my grief, as an entity, lately. I still have some work to do.

I have begun to realize that I think of each piece of my ordeal as a whole separate life. For example, I still feel as though hearing Chris’ diagnosis, witnessing his chemo-induced nightmare, being told he was going to die and then watching him die could not have happened to me. I feel as though all of that happened to somebody else. And I feel that my life now, can’t really be my life.

I also feel as though this person who has been dating guys for the past seven months can’t possibly be me. I was married. Somehow, I missed when that ended. How can this be me?

I hate that my grief is probably going to always be a part of me, now. I need to accept that, instead of hating it. I keep thinking that someday, I will feel no grief, but that thought is just a wish, even though if it came true I would feel awful because I wouldn’t be sad that Chris died, anymore.

Grief lasts.

Chris died.

Chris died.

Chris died Chris died Chris died.

I hate those words.

I hate them.