I used to be able to feel carefree. I used to enjoy leaving work and meandering through the various departments at Macy’s, trying on clothes and fragrances. Mindless shopping used to relax me. I don’t think I have truly and completely relaxed since November 19, 2003.
I want to talk about how having such a close encounter with death has affected me. I am still shaken to my core from Chris’ illness and from the way our lives got turned upside down. I held my breath to brace myself against what I knew the doctors were about to say, and I never let it out. I have been holding my breath since the end of 2004. That’s the exact feeling I have 100% of the time. I won’t allow myself to exhale. If I do, Chris will get blown away in the storm.
I still remember the difference between how I felt in 1999, when I met Chris and how I feel now. Life was very different, then. My worst nightmare was the possibility of not getting cast in a musical. Now my worst nightmare is the thought of each of my loved ones dying, one, by one, by one and the thought of my own death feels comforting to me.
Thursday is my last session with Clay. I’m sad about not seeing him, again, but I think I’d like to begin seeing somebody who has some experience in relaxation therapy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hello, Robin, dear! It's Peg just dropping by to offer greetings and hope. In these days and times, hope seems like such a tremendous effort to muster up. Exhale. Even I struggle with exhalation at times. Winter seems so heavy that it's hard to breathe completely. Oh, what you've been through, dear. Such a strong young lady. In my own way, I fear death as well. The internet is such a wonderful thing! Who would imagine connecting with so many seemingly beautiful people when one is lost in a cup of tea inside a quiet warm room. My wish is that you WILL exhale after all this. Stay strong, dear. You have so much to be thankful for. Bright (pungent) blessings, Schneed (Robin.) May God bless you always and show you respite and refreshed wellness. Until next time, sweetheart...Best, "Peg"
ReplyDeleteI haven't been coming up for air much, but I wanted to say hello, and let you know you're in my heart even though I'm not responding to your posts.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath, let it out, and do the only thing you can: Step gently into the next moment.