A New Day

I wanted to write last night, but I was in such a horrid state of grief that I decided to shut the computer down, turn off the television and go to sleep.

I realized something important yesterday. I can be in the depths of depression and still force myself to go to the gym. Of course, I didn’t know I was depressed until way after my workout. Before I left work, though, I had begun to feel as though I didn’t really want to go to the gym. I kept telling myself that I needed a rest, since I ran on Sunday. I made a decision to put on my workout clothes when I got home and see if I felt differently.

My workout was pretty strenuous, well, as strenuous as it could be without the trainer there to push me beyond my limits. Still, I stayed true to myself, and I maintained my dignity by pushing myself through every exercise I normally do, even though I was fighting myself every step of the way. I just wanted to “phone it in” last night, but I did my absolute best to keep obligated to myself and follow through on the commitment I made when I joined the gym. In order to keep my promise, I needed to regroup after each routine, metaphorically pat myself on the back and begin the next one as if it were the first, a physical tabula-rasa.

When I finished, I packed up my gloves and wraps, got into my car and drove away. About a block from the gym, I completely fell apart and bawled, with reckless abandon, all the way home. That’s when I realized that depression was behind my initial reluctance to work out last night and once the culprit became clear, I developed a sturdy sense of pride that I was able to reschedule my breakdown until after my responsibility to my body was fulfilled. Go me.

I’m not asking questions. Grief is here to stay, it seems. I have put men on the back burner, which has alleviated my anxiety tenfold. I am jealous of anybody and everybody who has a partner these days. I want to be the one that is every single one of their partners. I want to be that special person, enveloped in a cocoon with my soul mate, but I am still hurting way too much to begin that phase of my life just yet.

My heart is huge and I feel so much love for everybody in my life. I love boxing. I love running. I love being alone and I love being with others.

I am very sad, but as long as I know I can do all of the things I love to do, sadness or no sadness, I can hold onto a shred of hope that sometime, in my future, I will wake up to a new day.