Angiogenesis

I’m sick, again. I suppose I shouldn’t complain. I get sick about once every five or six months. Not too shabbs for a person who suffers the effects of depression.

I had to go to work yesterday because my co-worker was out and one of us always has to be there. I didn’t want to ruin his vacation day, so I dragged myself in, did what needed doing and then lapsed into zombie woman, sat in my chair and stared vacantly at my computer screen until 5:00.

Today I stayed home. I may stay home again tomorrow, depending on how I feel.

Historically, grief has taken me down each time I have been sick since Chris’ death. The isolation gets me and when I’m sick, I’m pretty much forced into isolation since I don’t feel well and I don’t want to spread my germs around my office. Grieif didn’t get me, this time, though. I have had my moments, but only moments. I have made such strides in the past month and a half. I want it to last. I’m scared of it lasting, though. Anybody who has been reading this blog since 2005, knows why I’m scared.

I’m just a little blue at the moment, but that’s because I feel crappy and I should be sleeping instead of torturing my eyes with this computer screen. I was laying on my couch remembering how comfortable I felt with Chris. I could say and do anything with him. He never judged me. Ever. I have trouble coming to terms with that part of my loss.

When I really stop and think about my situation, I know there are other men who would accept me exactly the way I am. I am in contact with them all day long.Those men aren’t available, though, but it’s still nice to know they exist.

I watched a Nova documentary this afternoon entitled, “Cancer Warrior.” I reccommend it to anybody who is interested in cancer research and basic knowledge of the nature of cancer and how it grows. The PBS website details the television show and goes more into depth about the growth of cancer cells. Have a look at http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/cancer, PBS’s extremely detailed website.

I think the show has upset me. The documentary explained how cancer acts, how it forms and how a tumor draws its blood supply toward it so it can grow. It was really scary and I kept thinking aobut Chris’ insides.

Dr. Judah Folkman has spent years and years searching for ways to cut off the bloodflow that enables the growth of cancer and although he and his colleagues at Children’s Hospital in Boston have made great and hopeful strides toward this end, still there is no surefire way to slay the beast.

I was so hopeful for the man treated in the documentary. I wanted him to live. But he didn’t live, either. Nobody does.I wished I could help.

I wish Chris was alive. I wish we were still married. I wish we could laugh at “The Family Guy” together, again.

And my wish for myself is that I get to meet and marry somebody who accepts me and loves me as much as he did.

Okay, maybe grief did get me today. I’ll ward it off with another workout as soon as I’m feeling better.