Namesake

Sometimes I am horrified of the future because its approach brings me farther and farther from the past. When my past was ugly, the future was perfectly acceptable, even enticing, but since Chris came and made my past beautiful, leaving those years behind is a very scary prospect.

I dreamed about Chris again last night. He looked really good and really healthy. Beautiful. He was losing his affections toward me. He and his college buddy, Mike, were beginning some sort of creative project...a band, maybe...or a radio project, or something like that. They were in the house across the street and I was peering across the way at the two of them standing in the doorway. I could feel that I was losing Chris and I wondered if I could love Mike.

When Chris first died, I used to find myself frantically wondering who would be next. Who could it be? At one point or another, it was every single man I knew. Nobody was safe. I used to think about Mike and ask Chris’ spirit if that’s the way it was supposed to be. Weird. The things I thought within days of my husband’s death. When I remember those thoughts now, I realize how unrealistic they all were. Here it is two and a half years later and I still cry uncontrollably when the recurring shock strikes.

I still feel as though I can’t go on without him and I still feel as though there is no way I won’t go on. My only way out is not an acceptable one for me and so I remain in.

My life will happen, of that I have no doubt.

I think I would like to have children or at least one child. That desire has been the one big change in my life since Chris died. We never wanted kids, but now that he’s gone, I want a child named Christopher (boy) or Kristofer (girl).

Time will tell.