Trying to hang onto him

I have been talking about Chris a lot lately. I just had dinner with two friends who have been in love for almost a year. They both enjoy hearing my Chris stories and I must have forgotten myself because I allowed myself to feel as though Chris was home waiting for me to return from dinner.

Things began to get sketchy in my head after I dropped them off. I was certain I was going to cry. Then I told myself, “No. There are plenty of things to be happy about tonight.” and I turned it around and began doing homework, whcih I enjoy very much.

My memories are so real that I feel like they just happened yesterday and that we couldn’t have been living in L.A. five years ago. How can it be that we drove away from Massachusetts six years ago? How can that be? How could he have been diagnosed four years ago? How could he be dead for two and a half years? I feel very confused about time sometimes. Time seems fluid these days, as though each day, things that happened in the past have jumped around. My sense of time is not the same. It never will be.

Sometimes I think I can take a new picture of Chris. Sometimes I feel saddened by his absense and sometimes I feel blessed with the experience of his death. I feel guilty about that.

I would hold onto him forever, if I could, just grab him and hold onto him and apologize to him that he had to get cancer.

He’s leaving. And I’m scared. And my future is going to be a happy one. And that makes me sad. And happy. And tired.