Arrested Social Interaction

I’m still studying. My book came an entire week after the intensive 4-week Prenatal and Neonatal Development class began, so I began this weekend playing a hefty game of catch-up. I am now reading chapter five of the seven chapters I have to catch up on before I take today’s test. I’m actually making good time. Class material is fascinating and exciting so the material should stick. Even though the exam is online, my professor asked the class to close our books and notes when we take the test. I have to respect her instruction. Anybody can ace a test with an open book. I prefer an open mind.

I do plan on getting on my bike (hopefully) and taking a 20-mile ride today, just for fun. I totally deserve to release myself from Textbook Penitentiary.

This class is making me want to have a child of my own. Chris and I never wanted children of our own and we were both quite happy with that decision. I think my feelings changed after having taken care of Chris while he was ill. I didn’t know I had the capacity to care about somebody else more than I care about myself before that. I think I would make a tremendous mom. I have a lot to give, a lot to teach and an enormous amount of patience, understanding and acceptance ability. I hope I get the chance to experience motherhood, whether I make the child (my own pregnancy) or take the child (adoption). I don’t want to raise a child in a one-parent home, though. I’d like for my kid to have both parents present and I would also like to have some help raising him/her.

I feel so much better today. I think my “test-prep captivity” was messing with my mind, yesterday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel today and I feel good about this test. I also feel good about the realization that this test is important to me. It’s nice to know that I care about things. Proving my engagement in my own life takes the edge off of my periodic grief-eruptions and makes me know that I’m not as depressed and hopeless as I may feel during those moments.

I’m off to finish serving my two-day sentence, which will culminate in my online test parole board meeting. I have confidence that I will be able to leap back into life on the outside quite easily, a more humble, more educated me.

Shneed