I wrote this and then didn’t want to post it and then thought that I probably ought to. I have been honest in all of my posts from the start and I don’t want to start concealing the truth now.
I’m very, very, very, very depressed. I studied for a test all day today and I need to continue my efforts all day tomorrow. Even so, I managed to get out and take a 5.5 mile run and do fifty pushups. I’m good.
I miss Chris so much that it hurts me physically.
I’ve moved on while holding on. I can’t let go. I can’t want to let go, and I’m ashamed, on top of being sad. I should be able to not cry anymore, but I I'm not able to stop.
The truth is that I ran 5 miles because I stopped in the middle and walked part of the way. Then I started running, again. When I turned into my driveway, my tears just came and they wouldn’t stop. That happens, sometimes, when I tax myself physically. And it doesn’t help to wish Chris was upstairs waiting for me.
I’m tired and I little panicked over this most recent resurgence of grief. I’m tired of it. I want it to stop, but it doesn’t, and I can’t begin to explain to anybody why that is.
I’m seeing Clay, my therapist, on Wednesday and I’m even ashamed to tell him that I'm still grieving. My therapist. What is wrong with me?
People just don’t know how long this lasts. It’s like the statute of limitations on my grief has runs it’s course and everybody thinks everything is a-okay with me. That isn’t their fault. I don’t tell anyone that I’m still sad.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want somebody to hold me, again. If I asked any one of my friends to do that for me, they would do it in a heartbeat.
