Monday evening’s date went well. I’m nervous, still. I guess that’s normal. I can’t remember what normal nerves feel like, without the widow/grief element. I suppose the possibility exists that I’m experiencing normal nerves and attributing them to other areas.
I keep pressuring myself to feel love. I forget that love comes with time, but because I felt such intense love within my relationship with Chris, I’m having trouble remembering that I was this nervous when I first met him, too. In fact, I was nervous enough to cancel two dates on him.
I need to remember that I’m allowed to cancel a date if I want to. I’m allowed to feel grief. I’m allowed to express to this new man that I need to take things carefully and slowly and that I need the leeway to process the relationship-related grief that is yet to come. He seems like a compassionate man. I guess I’ll find out whether that statement rings true.
I can’t help wanting to know what my future holds. I don’t like wearing blinders. I am thankful that my life is about to become very busy, again, once school begins. This semester I will be taking three classes, working out three times a week and (well, I may as well say “hopefully”, since that’s the first word that popped into my mind, despite my reluctance to admit it) dating this man.
Fear has a tendency, with me, to cloud excitement and anticipation. I have to try to remember how excited and happy I felt after our first date, so I can keep things in perspective. I’m afraid to let go of Chris, and as a result, I am in danger of sabotaging my potential to enjoy myself in another man’s company.
Grief is hard. I’m afraid that I won’t be understood, or tolerated.
What I realized, yesterday, is that telling people about me and this man helps me to accept our possible partnership. People are happy for me and when I see their reactions, I feel as though I have been given an injection of approval, warmth and support. Something is gained in the telling.
Still. I’m scared...and excited...and hopeful.
Shneed
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I’m afraid to let go of Chris...
ReplyDeleteI think I've figured out that the reason we have such a hard time with "letting go" is that it simply is not possible. Chris is entwined with your soul and he always will be.
People tell us to let go of our spouses as if it's simply a matter of opening our hands (or minds or hearts or whatever) and dropping them. Guess what. It ain't gonna happen that way.
I say:
Forget about letting go of Chris. It is not possible. Rather, accept his presence in your heart and soul. Embrace his love.
Integrate the love you actively shared with him with the love you still have for him. Carry that love with you into the future. Let that love enrich your ability to love anew.
[Reggae rhythm on] Don't worry. Be happy. [Reggae rhythm off] Enjoy your new relationship and let it move where it will.
-- Pentha, smiling with hope for you and with you